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May. 3rd, 2014

years go by, and triggers come alive.

wow....ok so its been a few years since iv been on here. just read through my old posts and just reminded me of where i was. i had no control over myself really, im now fatter than i eveer was and i cant take it anymore. i was checking my facebook and an old friend from here is on my fb and an update from her popped up on my feed and something triggered me to come on here. iv been feeling the triggers to come back for a while, and i just couldnt stay away.
im at my lowest mental point right now. i cant stand myself with all this fat. i am now completely obese and i cant take it anymore, after my second child my brain just switched off and i turned to food for comfort and just ballooned out soo soo much i cant believe its me looking back in the mirror. i cry everytime i see myself and i cant take it anymore. i want to go through storage and dig out my old ana journal. im now married and i dont let my husband look at me longer than a minute without me feeling uncomfortable, and iv never let him see me naked and we have been together 4 years, married almost 1. i need my control back, i need to feel strong and know i can resist food once again. 

Apr. 13th, 2010

why was i deleted??

why was i deleted from the community ed_anabootcamp?? i cant undestand why it would happen. ihave never been nasty or anything close to it. i have aways been supportive of everyone cause imgoing through alot of he same things as the other ppl in the community. im soo upset about this now. that community was the one thing that kept me sane. i have requested to join again. im just soo confusd right now.

Dec. 23rd, 2009

screwed up BIG TIME!!!!!

aargh i hate myself soo much right now. i went and did the last of my christmas shopping with my mum today, and i got soo stressed out because my son would not stop screaming all around the shops and so mum went to kfc for lunch and bought me a meal from there and sat in the car to watch me eat it. when we got back to her house i felt soo bloatd and sick i just felt awful. i hadnt eaten and was feeling great up until then. im soo pissed right now.
tomorrow is christmas eve here in aus so im planning on fasting until christmas day cause my housemate is leaving for brisbane tomorrow so i can get away with it. but i know ill be made to eat christmas day so i will just eat the bare minimum.
im going to go on my crosstrainer for at least an hour when i get home and do my dancing dvds to try and get rid of all this crap that went into my body today.
im not going to weight myself until next monday as i will be too scared to anytime until then. so i will at least have the weekend to try and get rid of everything in body from christmas.

Dec. 22nd, 2009

(no subject)

starting to feel a little better today, the medication is starting to work. the only problem s the meds make me hungry but i have been conteracting that with diet pills and that seems to be working so far. im only allowing myself 350kcal today. im pretty certain i can do that easily. i will just use my sickness as an excuse not to eat if my housemate asks. i love not living with my parents, its soo much easier to get away with not eating. and my housemate never even notices. christmas day is going to be hardest i think becaus i have to spend the whole day with the family and they are always eating and expect me to do the same. not going to happen this year. i am not going to ruin all my hard work just because its christmas. i am stronger than that.

Dec. 14th, 2009

time to take control !!!!!

ok this is it, im over not having control over what i eat. im sick of binging. its soo bullshit. fair enough its not huge binges as they are mostly all uner 1000 cals but its still bad, im not losing weight and its depressing me big time. at least im not gaining either. so its time to take control and focus. I CAN DO THIS!!! restarting ABC tomorrow and i am going to stick to it all the way through. i need to do this. i dont think i can live as this fat person any longer. I NEED TO BE SKINNY DAMNIT!

Nov. 16th, 2009

new day... new start

omg i cant believe how long is been since i last posted an entry. soo much has happened. the biggest thing is iv put on soo much weight and i feel disgustng. starting abc today will post as often as possible. wish me luck

Jul. 31st, 2009

FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im soo fucking fat......i hate myself soo much right now. i wish i could just take a knife a slice off all the fat on my body..
gah....over it.... i just want to be happy. guess ill never feel tat.....but i cant give up caus that will just make it worse. hhmmmmmm

Jul. 29th, 2009

hhhhmmmmmmm

ok so this is my first entry to my journal and its been a long time since iv been on lj. so heres an update on my life thus far.

my little boy is now 10 months and cute as hell. i love him soo much.
have been single for 4 months now since my ex bashed the shit out of me.
my relationship with food is still completely fucked. i hate food and it hates me.
im an execise addict,but have been soo sick lately that i havent been able to do much.
i absolutely love the snger pink, she is such an inspiration to me. she has the perfect personality and body to match.

gah im over it now.

laters